Monday is St. Patrick’s day. A day dedicated to an Irish missionary whose life is not all that well recorded but generally revolves around spreading the good word of ALMIGHTY GOD through whatever it is missionaries did in the 5th century. Over the years St. Patrick’s day has morphed from a holy day of obligation into a socially acceptable promotion of alcohol abuse, where every white person in sight lays claim to some dodgy Irish heritage and proceeds to wear silly green hats and get drunk as fuck on the front lawn.
Being a university student for the last four years, it has become business as usual to have the entire weekend, give or take the next week, dedicated to frat parties, green vomit and lots of fucking tinsel. Part of me wonders why and how this day became the literal drunk holiday, where it has become culturally accepted to drink enough to make your eyes bleed. The other part of me really wants to open the bottle of Bushmills on my desk and proceed to forget the reason I even started writing this post.
As negative as that all sounds, I really don’t have a problem with people taking one day of the year to drunkenly recognize one very specific culture and its contributions to the alcohol world. I do think it’s weirdly elaborate excuse to get drunk on a weekday because really, do you even need one?
So in honor of the coming 24 hours of scotch, Guinness and green hats, here’s 3 varieties of music to help beat your liver down into a quivering mass of fear.
NUMBER 3 – EVERYTHING CLASSIC ROCK RADIO
The easiest choice on the list, just flip your radio to the local cock-rock station where the Beatles are worshiped like gods and Zeppelin gets more rotation than every other band combined. It’s not classy or sophisticated but it is consistent and reliable accompaniment to pounding brews, high-fives and sloppy rounds of air guitar. Plus you know “Bohemian Rhapsody” will get played at least once and everyone around is going to lose their shit once that happens.
NUMBER 2 – ANYTHING NEO-THRASH (MUNICIPAL WASTE/TOXIC HOLOCAUST/GHOUL/BATTLECROSS/LOST SOCIETY)
It can be hard to top the amount of fun found in getting drunk to classic rock but neo-thrash just might be the way to do it. An entire genre of music dedicated to playing fast, loose and half in the bag, you have to be a bit careful if you decide to go this route. Drinking is directly correlated with music speed, so a couple songs of razer-sharp riffage and you might find yourself staggering into an alley to relieve your stomach of that double-burrito combo you had for lunch. Best pace yourself out with some slower tracks and use the neo-thrash sparingly as your alcoholic power-boost.
NUMBER 1 – FOLK METAL
Yeah, this was pretty much a gimmie. While some other genres might try to get their hands on the “Drunkest” title, I don’t think anyone comes close to matching the relentless volume of alcohol consumed by the bearded, bracer-bearing legions of folk metal stalwarts. Any folk metal band worth its salt has anywhere from several songs to several albums dedicated to drinking with friends, drinking before battle, drinking with the gods, drinking and fighting, drinking and fucking, drinking and walking the dog, drinking and doing anything really.
I am far from an official on the genre but bands like Korpiklaani, Svartby, Suidakra, Leshak, Trollfest or Finntroll all fit the bill. There are hundreds of other more obscure but equally as drunk bands to discover, so crack yourself a bottle of poison and break out the animal skins and battleaxes. It’s gonna get MEDIEVAL.
PS: That picture at the top is the St. Patrick’s day riot from London, Ontario that happened in 2012.